The Scoop on Finding the Domme of Your Dreams
If you’re a submissive man and you’re looking for a femdom relationship, I have bad news for you.
The path will not be easy.
A decade ago, I wrote about something I called the “Domme Deficit.” Simply put, there are a lot more submissive men out there than there are dominant women. While things have improved in recent years the ratio between submissive men and dominant women could be as high as 20 to 1.
If you factor in where you live, kink compatibility, and things like having similar vanilla interests, then the outlook is grim.
There’s a reason professional dominatrices can charge $300 an hour or more for their services. And it has everything to do with scarcity.
While we’re on the subject, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to a professional dominatrix to experience what it’s like to be submissive or to explore fetishes and desires.
Professional dominatrices have experience, training, all the outfits and toys, and usually a quality playspace. It’s worth the time and the money to seek a professional dominatrix because they have invested a lot in making sure that your experience is memorable.
However, if you’re looking for an intimate relationship with a woman who is dominant, then you have a lot of work ahead of you.
I am in an unique position. For the past two decades, I have built a career around fetish photography and media services for the kinky crowd. That means I have worked with dominatrices from around the world.
Given my unusual level of access to dominatrix has led to a few intimate long-term relationships, but not as many as you might think.
If it’s tough for me, in my position, and with my reach, to find a dominant woman then it will be doubly difficult for most other guys.
So, with that in mind, here are a few suggestions on what to do to give you the best chance of meeting the female dominant of your dreams.
Get Your Own Act Together
The first thing you should do is take a good look at yourself. It’s time to be critical.
Make sure your grooming and your appearance are up to par. If you’re not in shape, hit the gym and eat better. And it wouldn’t hurt to clean up your place and get ready for visitors.
Do all the things you would do for yourself if you would go out on a date with any other woman. Actually, do more.
Maybe it’s a great time for a new haircut or a good time to trim your beard or try adding a few new pieces to your wardrobe.
Anything you can do to make yourself look and feel more confident, and to project you have your act together, will help.
Put Yourself Out There
I get contacted daily… daily, by submissive men who want me to introduce them to dominant women.
That’s not my job, that’s your job!
What are you doing to put yourself out there?
Start by taking an open and honest assessment about who you are and what you’re looking for. Write a brief bio that concentrates mostly on yourself. Talk a little bit about your accomplishments, but even more about your demeanor, what makes you laugh, what your goals are, and what makes you unique. Don’t get so damn specific on all of your fetish interests, this is not the time to talk about all that.
Take that brief bio and put it on all of the kinky dating sites plus OkCupid, which I hear is open-minded about kink.
Create a few social media accounts for your kinky persona and talk to people in a real and respectful manner. One of the social media accounts should be on Fetlife.
Talk less about what you’re looking for and more about who you are and what you offer.
Finally, get out of your damn house and go visit a local BDSM group.
I know all of the excuses you could give me for why you can’t do it. Like, the group is too far away, or you’re too shy, or you have no one to go with, or you’re scared, or whatever.
Look, what you have to decide is whether you will let all those things prevent you from getting the domme of your dreams or if you will nut up and make it happen.
I can promise you right now that no dominatrix is going to magically appear on your front doorstep and ask if you want to be dominated. You will have to make some serious effort and that means attending local BDSM groups where you can meet real dominant women.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
While you’re out there searching for people on the Internet or attending events at your local BDSM group you must listen to what real dominant women are looking for. Whether it’s in profiles, or in a conversation, women will tell you the submissive they are hunting for.
Put aside your own fantasies for a moment and pay close attention to what these women are saying. If you can connect with someone there will be plenty of time for you to talk about your own fantasies. Focus on what the woman wants.
Hello! This is a basic tenet of the femdom relationship.
And While We’re on the Subject…
Compatibility will be a major factor in any kink relationship. In most cases, you will not find someone who totally matches all of your desires.
Again, if you want all of your fetishes or scenarios met perfectly, then maybe you should look at a professional dominatrix.
If you want to be in a relationship then there will be give-and-take involved. You may not get to do all of the things you want to do because your partner isn’t interested.
And because dominant women have a much wider selection of options they are in the superior position, both literally and figuratively. They can be picky because the numbers favor them.
If you can get most of what you’re looking for then you should count yourself lucky.
Realize You Might Not Be Looking for a Relationship at All
After I wrote a fiction book on a femdom relationship I got my share of emails from submissive men who did not understand what was involved.
They erroneously thought a relationship would have the dominant woman dressed in lingerie regularly and that they would live in a world where it would be playtime all the time.
Furthermore, they never considered that there would be actual servitude, which might include chores, discipline, and consequences for your actions.
Relationships can literally be anything you and your partner decide, but many real-life femdom relationships include downtime, going to your jobs, taking care of kids, visiting relatives, and all the aspects of a vanilla relationship.
Maybe you’re not looking for a real femdom relationship. Maybe you want to find someone who will scene with you occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with that. Being available just for playtime might open more opportunities for you.
And again, maybe you should consider just paying a professional for the experience you’re looking for and go back to your regular life the rest of the time.
On the Other Hand…
Maybe you want the real thing, and that’s great. It’s out there.
I talk with real femdom couples daily, and their relationships are incredibly inspiring and incredibly real. But those relationships didn’t happen by accident. They required being in the right place at the right time, keeping an open mind, and being ready and available physically, mentally, and spiritually.
If you’re a submissive man looking for a dominant woman, you will need to do the things that will give you an advantage over all the other guys out there (and there are a lot).
When you meet the woman of your dreams, you better be ready to impress.
Please tell me your tips and experiences in meeting the domme of your dreams in the comments section below.
I’m making the official announcement that I’m launching my new column “Ask Dirk!” right here on my site www.DirkHooper.com.
If you have questions about BDSM relationships, safety, training, kinky advice, or anything else along those lines I’m here to help.
Contact me with your BDSM relationship questions here: firstname.lastname@example.org